Report: It’s Only “Kind Of” Hip To Be Square

Los Angeles, CA — A new report this week revealed what many have long suspected — being square is only hip in limited amounts. 

The much anticipated UCLA study sought to unveil the correlation of hipness to squareness and found the relationship ranged from “tenuous” to “non-existent.”

"The central conceit of squareness has redeeming qualities,” began study lead Archie Redhen. “Having one’s shit together, being punctual, housebroken and the like. But there’s a fine line between a reliable square and a humorless stiff.”

The danger according to Redhen is when square behavior is seen as, “The turkey when it’s really just the cranberry sauce.” 

Respondents with a reading of up to 15% squareness were found to be “earnestly charming,” or “assuringly conscientious.” But respondents higher than 15% drifted into dangerous territory into the categories of “goody two shoes” or “self-righteous shitbag.”

The findings fly in the face of the Huey Lewis & The News smash hit, Hip to Be Square which many squares embraced as their spiritual hymn.

“It wasn't intended to be an anthem for square people, and not everyone recognized the irony," noted Lewis, claiming the message of the song was frequently misconstrued. “Particularly by Patrick Bateman, who played it while bludgeoning innocent people.”

More to come.