Convicted: Urkel Found Guilty On All Counts Of “Doing that”
Steven Quincy Urkel of Lincoln Park, was found guilty of 65 counts of property damage; 17 misdemeanour charges of sexual misconduct, and one count of impersonating a heartthrob — “Stefan Urquelle,” to evade police and woo high school crush, Laura Winslow. Urkel was sentenced to 20 years without parole.
The move comes as a shock to many in the neighborhood, with Urkel being described as an “affable agitator” more than a threat to the community.
The defendant’s attorney Orlando Jimmy was seething at the verdict, claiming Urkel’s well-known catchphrase, “did I do that?”, was evidence of low level Anterograde Amnesia, similar to Guy Pearce’s character in the underappreciated indie film, Memento.
But Judge Carmine Scarpaglia was scathing in handing down the sentence, singling out the defendant’s unctuous leering for his unrequited crush — a move particularly galling in the #MeToo era. “What was once seen as harmless puppylove, your antics are now the kind we’ve come to expect from Harvey Weinstein after 6 viagras.”
More to come.
