Breaking: Nothing Found in the Bueller Report Either

CHICAGO, IL — After the long awaited Mueller report was released with no sign of wrongdoings by the president, attention has shifted to an often overlooked case long suspected to be fishy. 

Ferris Albert Bueller of Lincoln Park, has long been rumored to have run amok on a balmy Chicago day in 1986, causing tens of thousands of dollars in property damages, although authorities are yet to find a smoking gun. 

“It’s a witch hunt quite frankly,” said Mr. Bueller, now 51. There’s this wrongheaded perception I was some kind of life advice shamen embracing good hearted rebellion in the face of an antiquated educational attendance quota. But in reality, I was just a young kid laid low by the flu, bedridden and snoring.”

Despite no evidence, it’s worth noting Bueller has been rumored to have committed a litany of crimes including disorderly conduct, impersonating a police officer, and suspected odometer fraud on a 1961 Ferrari 250 GT California Spyder.

Amidst this controversy, the “Save Ferris” community has claimed these reports are “fake news.” Chicago icon, and well known truth teller Jussie Smollet has come out in support of Mr. Bueller’s version of the story, claiming he himself treated Mr. Bueller for the flu — a highly implausible scenario given he would have been 4 years old at the time.

More to come.