Report: Trump Bans Canadian Tuxedos; Appalachia Threatens to Secede

WASHINGTON—In a move set to rankle many, President Donald Trump has issued an executive order banning the Canadian Tuxedo, calling it “worse than low-energy khakis.” 

"Shania Twain, we let it slide. Nickelback—huge mistake, but we survived," noted the President. "But the Canadian Tuxedo? You wear that, and suddenly you’ve got a pet moose and a cabin in the Yukon. It’s a disaster."

The decision has ignited a crisis, with several Appalachian states threatening secession. “We built this country on double denim, moonshine, and knowing exactly how much gravel you can put in a truck before it tips over,” said West Virginia Governor Virgil Tumbleweed, “The federal government can ban the Canadian Tux, but they said nothing about the Winnipeg Onesie,” referring to the all-denim jumper favored on crisp Manitoba spring mornings. “It’s a loophole big enough to drive an F-250 through.”

Study: Who’s Hit Hardest by the Canadian Tuxedo Ban?

According to a report by the Department of Occupational Outerwear & Denim (DOOD), the ban is expected to devastate industries reliant on denim-heavy workforces, including rodeo entertainment, unlicensed fireworks sales, and freelance bar fighting. Experts warn it could be particularly catastrophic for the vagabonding community, many of whom are known for their straw hats, distant stares, and a habit of answering questions with, “I’m just a stranger passing through.”

Meanwhile, corporate America has largely supported the decision. Tech startups, law firms, and finance executives—long hostile to excessive denim—praised the move. One CEO stated, “The moment I saw (the candidate’s) acid-wash jean jacket, I knew we had no place for him in our culture. If I wanted my CFO to look like he just smuggled cigars into the Calgary Stampede, I’d call my uncle Doug.”

More to come eh.