Athleisure Meets Pleasure As San Francisco Debuts Its Latest Civic Innovation: Vuori Holes

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — A series of secretive fellatio nooks operated by men in moisture-wicking joggers and quarter-zips have quietly opened across the city, according to a report released Tuesday.

The sites, quickly dubbed “Vuori holes” by locals, are said to be concentrated in pilates studios, kombucha taprooms, and at least one SoulCycle bathroom.

“I thought it was a pop-up shop,” said Hayes Valley resident Klaus Bisbee. “Which, in a way, I guess it was.”

Researchers say the phenomenon reflects San Francisco’s ongoing effort to merge wellness culture with anonymous sex. “It’s a natural progression,” said Stanford sociologist Jean Cinderblock. “The city has already blended dining with microdosing and fitness with cryptocurrency. This was the next logical step.”

Participants report a consistent aesthetic: joggers retailing for $118, minimalist sneakers, and men who appear to have strong opinions about nootropics.

“It felt like getting blown by a podcast ad,” noted a strapping redhead named Gordon. “At the end he asked if I wanted 20% off my first order.”

City officials declined to comment, on the legality of the “Vuori Holes,” but according to Craig Slumber, deputy chair of the Taskforce on Hygiene, Recreation, Ordinance, And Tourism (T.H.R.O.A.T.), the matter is already settled.

“We already have draft guidelines on fabric breathability and hole circumference,” Slumber began. “As well as a forthcoming white paper on whether pockets should be legally allowed to touch balls.”

More to come.