Spirit Airlines to Rebrand as "Air Guantanamo"
The move comes amidst a storm of controversial moves by American carriers, where physical pain dished out by airline staff is in increasing demand.
“Plenty of airlines are “no frills,” the airline’s CEO Robert Fornaro claimed, “we’ll be the first to offer no scruples.”
As expected, the airline has scant few changes to make to recreate the sweltering discomfort of the tropical prison: it’s largely a reframing of the existing Spirit experience.
"It's about authenticity," noted Fornaro. "The Spirit brand has never been described as palatial. We thought, why fight it? I mean there's plenty of low cost carriers out there, but how many can legitimately claim to be the "gulag of the skies?"
“We used to charge just for water and pretzels, but we didn’t anticipate there’d be such a market for the occasional crucifix choke, or even a few jabs to the breadbasket.”
Mr. Fornaro viewed the rebrand as opportunity to separate the brand from a swathe of low cost carriers, as well as compete for the hotly contested millennial dollar.
"Millennials are travelers, not tourists," Fornaro continued. They may be a generation of entitled dickheads, but their passion for self-administered pain is unparalleled. I mean, how else do you explain the popularity of Girls?"
The one major change involved Gitmo's fame as the waterboarding Capitol of the world, "We had to get creative," said Fornaro. The emergency oxygen masks that drop have been replaced with lukewarm moist rags custom designed to simulate the sensation of drowning, even at 30,000 feet. And the newly installed bidets are not merely a hygiene play but positioned as "enhanced colonic interrogation."
More to come.
