Bose Unveils Noise-Canceling Headphones That Also Cancel Cancel Culture

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Bose has announced its latest innovation: The QuietComfort 1984, noise-canceling headphones designed not just to block ambient sound, but also to shield users from the creeping threat of cultural sensitivity.

“This is about freedom,” said Bose spokesperson Benny Gasbag. “People are terrified to speak their minds anymore. With the QuietComfort 1984s, you’ll be blissfully unwoke inside a cocoon of auditory ignorance.”

Equipped with Adaptive Outrage Suppression™, these headphones filter out any mention of pronouns, the existence of marginalized communities, or, at its highest setting, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. Instead, users will experience an auditory environment reminiscent of a 1970s office Christmas party, where off-color jokes flew freely and HR was just a guy named Stan.

Features include Selective Hearing Mode, which mutes words like “problematic” and “maybe don’t say that,” and Woke-Free White Noise™, which replaces modern discourse with Andrew Dice Clay stand-up and the soothing hum of an angle grinder. The Thanksgiving Mode blocks phrases like “Maybe we should hear them out” while boosting anything that starts with “Back in my day…”

Critics say the product promotes willful ignorance, but Bose insists it simply meets customer demand. “Some people want to cancel out airplane noise. Others want to cancel out consequences,” said Gasbag. 

Pre-orders have hit record highs, fueled by those who insist they’re “just asking questions,” with a notable spike among men named Dwayne.

More to come.