NBA Investigating How Two Coaches Can Be This Hair-Ambivalent at the Same Time

Denver, CO — As the Denver Nuggets and Oklahoma City Thunder battle in the Western Conference Semifinals, a quieter, more somber battle plays out on the sidelines: this might be the drabbest coaching hairstyle matchup in NBA playoff history.

Denver head coach David Adelman brings a haircut that hovers somewhere between Navy SEAL aspirant and Lloyd Christmas on a job interview. Opposite him, Thunder coach Mark Daigneault looks like he just wrapped up a Best Buy middle management training and was told, “Don’t rock the boat.”

“It’s as if two Cincinnati dads ran into each other at the DMV and silently acknowledged neither of them planned to be cool again,” noted hairstyle consultant Vern Ketchum. “The vibes are pure beige.”

Fans have described the hair matchup as “emotionally distant,” “a style vacuum,” and in one case, “like watching a tax seminar held on a pickleball court.”

Reddit threads have dubbed the hair matchup The Middle Manager Classic. One commenter Big_Clip_Energy68 wrote: “This is anti-swag. This is swag turned off at the source.”

Ever business minded, NBA Commissioner Adam Silver expressed concern the coaching duo’s hair efforts might be doing irreparable brand damage to the league. “Our league is global and we must be respectful of international standards of acceptable hairstyles,” noted Silver. “You think these haircuts fly anywhere not named Sheboygan? No chance.”

“This is the playoffs,” Silver continued. “You tighten rotations, trim your lineups, and maybe show up with a haircut that doesn’t look like it was done by Andrea Bocelli.”

More to come.