Breaking: QB Sanchez to Go From Ass to Mouth

Bristol, Connecticut - The NFL’s resident derriere aficionado has resigned himself to a new seat, penetrating the analyst circuit for ESPN in the collegiate game. Quarterback, Mark Sanchez may, have spent a decade playing pro football, but he’s perhaps best known for the infamous meeting with his offensive lineman's rear end, in a play affectionately known as the “Butt Fumble.” 

On Thanksgiving Day in 2012, while playing for the New York Jets, Sanchez found himself struggling with a jumbled snap and in his attempt to leg out the play, encountered a face mask full of Brandon Moore’s backside, then fumbling the ball right in front of the feet of New England Patriots safety, Steve Gregory, who scooped the ball up only to waltz into the endzone for an easy score. The play, watched by millions, became a new low point for an already embarrassed franchise and sent any hopes of Sanchez’s stardum, tumbling down the toilet. 

A marquee prospect out of USC, Sanchez entered the league as the 5th overall pick by the Jets in the 2009 NFL draft. Largely considered the number two franchise in the country’s largest market, the Jets fingered the accomplished Sanchez as their ticket to glory. And after narrowly missing the Super Bowl in back-to-back seasons, things were looking up for the young gunslinger and the team once put on the map by, Joe Namath, who would go on to sexually harass a sideline reporter on live television. Yet, after the abysmal 2012 season, all hope was wiped away after the aforementioned “Butt Fumble,” acting as the proverbial icing on the cake. 

So, it scomes as no suprise that Sanchez intends to leave his anal laden past behind him, by swithcing to a discipline of the mouth. The famed SC grad will serve as an analyst for the college game, giving what will no doubt be his humble interpretation of the NCAA’s finest matchups.