Toronto Mid Level Manager Deemed Incapable of Work until he Knows Where Kawhi is Playing Next Year

TORONTO, ON -- 34 year old Scotiabank marketing manager, Terry Trebek has been placed on compassionate leave from the finance giant until he attains closure around where Kawhi Leonard is playing basketball next year.

In an unprecedented move, Mr. Trebek has been deemed incapable of executing his daily duties such as “circling back,” and “taking things off line” until he knows whether the “King of the North” will be staying in "The 6" or plying his trade in in Los Angeles, New York, or (the real dark horse), Philadelphia.

“I’d say generally speaking I’m an above average employee,” claimed Mr. Trebek, a former Wilfrid Laurier Golden Hawk. “But this June is for hot takes from Skip, Stephen A., and Cowherd. Kellerman is earning his bones, and Shannon Sharp is already injecting some oblique zaniness into the equation.”

Scotiabank CEO Brian Porter has lauded the move as an opportunity for the company to shine in catering to the needs of the company’s employees. “Sure Google does your laundry, and Delta lets passengers bring weimeraners on the plane, but would you rather a token gesture like that, or the opportunity to get a more nuanced understanding of Masai Ujiri's salary cap gymnastics? I know which option I’d choose.”

Mr. Trebek's manager, Hal Dewick is supportive of the move, claiming this June the performance of the usually diligent Sagittarius becomes, “a bit iffy.” “Terry's a good guy, but he needs to understand that Kawhi's choice between loyalty and glory may well be a conundrum, but it’s also a pretty niche subject, and that he should refrain from soliciting feedback from the non-basketball watching cafeteria ladies, for most of whom English is a second language.”

Mr. Trebek seems enthusiastic about his forced summer sabbatical, claiming most of which will be spent hitting the refresh button on ESPN reporter Adrian Wojnarowski’s Twitter feed. “The other guys are great, but if it comes from Woj, you can take it to the bank.”

More to come.