Poll: 93% of Australians List "Ben Simmons Developing A Jump Shot" As The Key Issue Of Election 2019

Canberra, A.C.T. — In an unprecedented development, the Australian public has listed Ben Simmons' shooting inability as the defining issue of the upcoming Federal election.

The dysfunctional stroke of the Philadelphia 76ers point guard has been a growing source of national concern, with the All Star failing to drain one from downtown in nearly two full years in the league.

This shooting ineptitude has drawn the attention of Australian voters, with Simmons' anemic shot beating out border security, wage stagnation, and the ongoing safety of Eggboy, as the key electoral issues.

"We're listening to the voters on this one, said Prime Minister Scott Morrison. "Ben seems like a great bloke, but he got torched in a game of H.O.R.S.E. by Rebel Wilson the other day. And she was 6 beers deep."

Opposition leader Bill Shorten has flagged family nepotism within Simmons’ entourage being problematic. "The fact his brother is his shooting coach is a national travesty," noted the Labor leader. "Haven't we learned from when Sam Worthington hired his mum as an accent coach?"

And it's not just at home and in the hoops community that's Simmons’ biomechanics are coming under the microscope — they're perplexing academics the world over. “It’s hard to believe,” noted UCLA bioengineer Fred Burpo, “But Ben’s shot has the same parabolic arc as M. Night Shyamalan’s Rotten Tomato ratings: it looks promising on release, but plummets downward shortly after.”

More to come.