New Office Kombucha Keg, Only Thing Keeping Tech Commuter Going
Mountain View, CA – As it turns out, the daily slug down 101 South isn’t the only gut wrenching activity of your average Silicon Valley tech worker’s day. The magical concoction of cultured bacteria, which more and more affluent Bay Area residents are over indexing on, is as much a draw to the office as the paycheck itself.
Milton Blaylock, a developer at red hot dating app, Mommies and Daddies, Inc., recently said of the bubbly tea, “It’s literally all I think about. When I’m crawling down highway 101, surrounded by Teslas with terrible vanity plates and wanting to jerk my wheel into the Bay. I’m literally saved by the thought of that stupid fruity crap.”
Blaylock, a veteran to the daily grind of Valley traffic, said he’s tried everything to help increase his desire to work and almost nothing works. Nothing did work, in fact, until this simple probiotic tea was introduced at his office, and he found himself savoring the flavor.
“Look, it tastes great and it literally forces me to get up from my desk several times a day…to take a dump,” Blaylock would go on to explain in vivid detail.
It’s not just a few trips down the porcelain highway that kombucha may send you on. New studies out of nearby, Stanford University, indicate that the culture laden beverage is helping to stave off corporate rates of suicide and even inspiring spiritual pursuits amongst tech company’s ranks.
Another avid Kombucha consumer (and former Silicon Valley tech worker) Allison Wittle, recently relocated to El Salvador, where she plans on teaching yoga, when she’s not harnessing that ever elusive chi of hers. Seen as the gateway drug to enlightenment and acceptance, kombucha did more than occasionally open up the business end of Allison’s digestive tract.
“I just got a kick out of it, when I first tried it. I went down the rabbit hole and now I’m here pursuing my Salvadorian dreams,” Allison related in a long winded email. She’d go on to say that “the ‘Buch’” might even enlighten the likes of many of our conservative minded friends and could even turn a MAGA into a GAMA ray light of radiation. Here’s to hoping this venerable poop juice actually works!
It’s not just a few trips down the porcelain highway that kombucha may send you on. New studies out of nearby, Stanford University, indicate that the culture laden beverage is helping to stave off corporate rates of suicide and even inspiring spiritual pursuits amongst tech company’s ranks.
Another avid Kombucha consumer (and former Silicon Valley tech worker) Allison Wittle, recently relocated to El Salvador, where she plans on teaching yoga, when she’s not harnessing that ever elusive chi of hers. Seen as the gateway drug to enlightenment and acceptance, kombucha did more than occasionally open up the business end of Allison’s digestive tract.
“I just got a kick out of it, when I first tried it. I went down the rabbit hole and now I’m here pursuing my Salvadorian dreams,” Allison related in a long winded email. She’d go on to say that “the ‘Buch’” might even enlighten the likes of many of our conservative minded friends and could even turn a MAGA into a GAMA ray light of radiation. Here’s to hoping this venerable poop juice actually works!
