Breaking: Theranos’ Elizabeth Holmes Screwed More People Than John Holmes
The findings are part of an ongoing Wall Street Journal investigation into the sheer number of screwees involved — currently estimated to be in the thousands.
“Look, John was estimated to have schlonged 14,000 people, but at least he occasioned a modicum of pleasure onto the recipients,” said investigative reporter Phil Longjohn. “With Elizabeth her goal was simply to fuck people over, clear and simple.”
The scale and severity of the disgraced former Theranos CEO isn't insignificant when compared to the myriad high jinks of the man known to close friends as “Johnny Wadd.” The actor was linked to the high profile Wonderland Murders where four were slain through blunt force trauma injuries.
When asked about the comparison to the legendary pork swordsman, Holmes paid tribute and took the opportunity to make some pretty outlandish claims. “I think we should be celebrating John as a trailblazer of his craft.” She continued, “If we had run earlier HIV tests on a Theranos machine, perhaps we could have saved his life. Our machines now detect and snuff out HIV.”
When contacted for comment, porn historian Clem Drongo gave an interesting take, “Isn’t it ironic that a woman whose claim to fame was that a tiny prick could solve the world's problems is being compared to a man known best known for his large one.”
More to come.
