Leaked 23 and Me test finds Mitch McConnell related to Actual pigs

Washington, D.C. -- In a string of emails between Mountain View, California, based genome company, 23 and Me, and this publication, it has been confirmed that the United States Senator from the great state of Kentucky, Mitch McConnell, is indeed swine.

“I mean, this is not exactly a shocker. I was more surprised when Bruce Jenner got a pair of tits and I already knew he was mainlining estrogen,” said Hank Massy, a spokesperson of 23 and Me.

Discovered through an errant footnote, in recently released documents detailing meetings with Russian officials near a remote Kentucky piggery, the revelation seemingly explains a lot about the senior government official’s career-long behavior. After years of hoovering up enough donations and kickbacks from Right-Wing outfits to fatten up his proverbial belly, it’s not hard to see the similarities between McConnell and a certain pudgy farm animal that sports a curly tail.

Unfortunately, no one from McConnell’s corner could be reached for comment on the matter, quite possibly because the porcine Senator is still trying to warm up to the obese hamburger lover that is United States President, Donald J Trump, who’s childlike temper tantrums over the ill-conceived construction of a border wall have resulted in the longest Government shutdown in U.S. history.

Perhaps, all that little Mr Piggy McConnell needs to get by without a paycheck during the shutdown is another healthy supply of that special kind of green lettuce he’s come to rely on so much from his right-wing supporters. Pity that an overwhelming majority of his fellow government workers can’t rely on the same toting of backwards views, for profit, that a snout-faced McConnell seems to have carried out across his entire career.

So, while Mitch may be happy and portly now, for the rest of us, we can only hope that a recent quote from =billionaire businessman, Mark Cuban rings true in the end: “Pigs get fat. Hogs get slaughtered.”