School Principal Candidate Vows Past Rape Attempts Will Not Affect Ability to Mold Young Minds

Decatur, Illinois — In a last ditch effort to prove that he’s a “good guy,” Brent Cavanoff, a candidate for principal at a Decatur Public School District’s high school, issued a statement through his attorney saying that his “Past indiscretions were behind him. Many, many years behind him. It’s unthinkable that anyone could assume I was some kind of rapist!” 

He went on to explain that he doesn’t remember them anymore, further mentioning that his collegiate days were full of too many social activities and gatherings for him to remember a specific incident at any one or the other. 

“Have you ever been to Evanston in the winter? Can you blame me if I was just trying to liven up a party or two,” said Cavanoff about his time spiking drinks belonging to his fellow female undergrads with what may or may not have been Gamma-Hydroxybutric Acid.

Mr. Cavanoff, inexplicably stands alone as the sole candidate being vetted for the recently vacated job of head principal at MacArthur High School. With literally nothing to stop him from taking the helm, a team of neighborhood mothers dug into his past only to find a few incriminating articles from The Daily Northwestern, the student run newspaper at Nothwestern University in Evanston, Illinois. 

“I first was suspicious of him when I ran into him at the Kroger, and he just kept staring at my breasts. It was like I wasn’t even standing there. I’m not even sure he said anything other than, ‘Yeah,’ and ‘Ok,’ when we chatted. I knew he was sketchy,” said neighborhood mother, Becky, who preferred if the Daily Weekly were to not print her last name. “So, it was no surprise to me, to find his name all over a bunch of stories about fraternity sex scandals.”

Back in the early 80’s, while serving as President of Northwestern’s Kappa Sigma chapter, Mr. Cavanoff’s name was mentioned in connection with at least 3 sexual assault accusations, two of them being full on drug laden tales. When asked about the incidents, Cavanoff, remained nonplussed. 

“It’ll go away,” he insisted. “It always goes away. These things are so silly.”

District Superintendent Daniel Trout, who has already publicly backed a registered sex offender had this to say about Mr. Cavanoff’s recent announcement: “Brent is a good man. I’ve been accused, falsely. As has he! And, those accusers, they aren’t even good looking. Who would want to sleep with them?”

So, whether or not Brent Cavanoff will be sworn in as the new principal at MacArthur High School is up in the air, despite the mountains of evidence that he maybe shouldn’t be. And no one outside of few intrepid Kroger-shopping mothers seem the least bit bothered by it. So, whether or not you regularly read the Daily Weekly, stay tuned to this story, because it ought be interesting.