Man Clears Office Break Room, Recounting ‘Sick Time’ at Burning Man

Brooklyn, NY – On Tuesday of last week, the office break room of How Bout We in Brooklyn quickly emptied itself, when a senior developer named, Jared Smith, began to recount his weekend at Burning Man in detail for anyone who wanted to listen. That turned out to be no one, until this reporter sought further information on the incident — an incident one coworker would describe the room clearing out as similar to the one time when they “stupidly cooked salmon in the office microwave.” 

“You know, it just really put everything in perspective for me. In terms of what’s important and what’s not,” said the 28-year-old, Mr Smith, about his week-long soiree in the Nevada desert and in-between sips of his pamplemousse flavored kombucha. 

When he realized everyone in the room had left in the middle of his story about his transcendental experience on “The Playa,” Jared merely shrugged and figured a fair few of his co-workers weren’t as interesting as him. No longer worried about normative societal constructs such as status, he found the solitude comforting as he moved on to scrolling through his various social feeds, in an effort to relive his earth shifting experience from the previous week. 

“The kid is a fucking tool. And, honestly, if we weren’t in the middle of a massive build, I’d recommend (to Jesse) that we fire him,” said Tiffany, the project lead that Mr. Smith is currently working under. “His absence at his little drug party in the desert set us back almost a month and instead of losing even more manpower, we’re just going to have to make do with his speed addled brain a little bit longer.”

“Listen, I love stuffing coke in my gums and snorting molly too. I just don’t need to hop on a plane to do it,” said Mr. Smith’s coworker Jamal, offering up his take on the festival as a whole. 

When asked, the criticism from coworkers didn’t seem to bother Mr. Smith. Instead, he offered a piece of advice. 

“You know, ride my bike to work, to and from Williamsburg almost every day. It helps get any lingering anger out of my system. Maybe, some of my coworkers should do the same. Beats going to the gym, you know. I also find that Yoga helps my stress levels. Turns out there’s just no problem a perfectly executed Lotus Position can’t solve,” Mr. Smith said, before he went on to provide details around his morning yoga routine in the Black Rock Desert during the art festival. Details, which this reporter didn’t think were worthy of anyone else being exposed to.

To his credit, Mr. Smith doesn’t seem to mind his questionable reputation around the office, stating that he sees himself as “Bi-coastal” these days and would merely find a new job in LA if he’s unable to participate in any kind of “culture making” in Brooklyn.

When asked if he plans to go to next year’s Burning Man, as well, Mr. Smith said, “I try not to commit myself to anything anymore. Life is short and I can’t just be promising my time to anyone or anything. Experiences are just too valuable. But, if I’m free, you can bet I’ll be there with the rest of my family, experiencing the life on ‘The Playa.’”

Safe to say, however, that Mr. Smith’s  coworkers and this reporter will not be in attendance at Burning Man 2019.