Sir James Dyson Sacrifices Knighthood on Altar of Eponymous Air Blade

BUCKINGHAM PALACE, LONDON -- In a rare and controversial move, Her Royal Highness Queen Elizabeth II has withdrawn James Dyson’s knighthood due to widespread disdain of his well-known hand dryer. 

“Jimmy’s cultivated this persona as a shamen of innovation,” claimed the long serving monarch. “Which would be fine if he had made something that needed fixing. But I find it ironic, that the inventions he’s most famous for either suck or blow.”

The groundswell of resentment against the air blade began when studies found that the device could turn a relatively hygienic bathroom into a veritable Petri dish for a host of infectious diseases such as Zika, polio, and (inexplicably), the Bubonic plague. 

But the pitchforks really started circling when the toupee of Manchester veterinarian Darren Corby was blown from his head at East Midlands airport, causing an horrific chain of events resulting in 7 dead among a toxic detritus of secondhand Saag Paneer.

Her Majesty felt compelled to act, when Dyson’s crisis management two-word press release, declaring “Shit Happens” was deemed both insensitive, and too soon.

Dyson himself seems to be taking the demotion on the chin. The 12 stop book tour for his memoir, Broken Wind begins next month. And he’s been busy prototyping a dental saliva ejector, designed to trim nose hairs as it sucks spit. The first of its kind to suck, as it cuts. 

More to come.